Last evening I attended a seminar at my church. At this seminar we watched a video presentation by Dr Grant Mullen which focused on shame, and it was a good reminder of just what shame is and how it works in a persons life.

Have you ever given shame a thought? To be honest shame is not something that is on the forefront of most of our minds, but the truth is many of us suffer with shame big time. Shame for the things we have done. Shame for the secrets we hide so well. Shame because we cannot keep up with those around us. Shame for not having all the latest and best stuff. Shame for not looking like a super model. And on and on it goes in a never ending quest to rob us of our God given dignity, worth, and son-ship.

And what are the main causes of shame? There are three I can think of from the top of my head: 1) family, 2) the media, and 3) church people. Let’s briefly look at these.

1) Family – Have you ever heard the following (or anything like them); “You’ll never amount to much”; “You’re just like your father/mother”; “Why can’t you be more like so and so?”; “So and so’s such a good student, worker, son/daughter unlike you.”

Family, to quote Mr Monk, is a blessing and a curse. Having a family is at times wonderful and it’s always good to be part of a loving family. At the same time family members can often cause the biggest wounds and leave other members of that family covered in shame. And being shamed by family members can hurt the most because we never expect such meanness from those who are closest to us.

Now you might have a text book family and never say a bad word to any of you kin (and them to you). But for the majority of us we find ourselves often treading on eggshells around certain family members trying not to rock boats and cause fuss, for fear of being shamed yet again.

I once knew a young woman who had run away from home with money who ended up living on the streets all because she was being constantly shamed by her mother. No abuse, physically speaking, just mean and hurtful words spoken. Maybe as family members we need to remind those around us to guard their tongues (Psalm 34:130)… or maybe we need to remind ourselves!

2) The Media – The media shames us by constantly selling us on the idea that we can be more and have more, and the path to fulfillment in this life is quite simply better and more. If you have cable or satellite I challenge you to watch one of your favorite shows and whenever the adverts come on count how many of them are saying things like, “If only you had this then you’d be a better person”; “If you used this then you’d look better”; “If you drank this then you might meet a supermodel that would hang off your every word and want to spend the rest of her life with you.”

Come on people! Are we really so gullible? Well we must be because companies haven’t stopped advertising their products in this way. And it all makes me think of one of those cheesy 1970’s sci-fi movies in which people are fooled into buying stuff only to end up with the stuff controlling them… but I digress. Advertising works because we are told in one breath “Because you’re worth it” only in the next breath to be told “maybe it’s (the name of a make-up company that I won’t mention here for fear of being sued).” So am I worth it or does it come from a make-up tube?

And none of us are immune to these forms of clever advertising. Think about it, have you ever bought something because the label on the tin said your life would be better because of it? Unfortunately there are many people who feel shamed by the adverts. Young girls who are lead to believe that they should look like a touched up and air brushed supermodel to be beautiful. Young men are sold on a ripped body and if they don’t have one are made to feel like wimps or nerds. Middle aged men are sold on the idea that if you have this nice shiny red sports car then it doesn’t matter about the balding head or the swelling mid-section, you’ll turn heads and be noticed. Women are typically sold on anti-aging products, not to mention all of the perfume, Mills and Boone fairy stories, gossip mags, and so on.

My friends wife like’s to watch chick movies, which he always fears. Because when they’re finished his wife will shame him saying things like, “Why can’t you be more romantic like Matthew McConhaughey?” “Why can’t you have a body like Matthew McConhaughey?” “Why can;t you be sensitive like Matthew McConhaughey?” I think you get what I’m saying… and not just that chick movies are evil!

Bottom line: It is the media’s job to sell stuff to you. Question is, are you buying?

3) The Church – Supposed to be a place of safety, the church has a remarkable way of naming and shaming people. Maybe you’ve been the victim of the shame game that is played in our churches. I have. Or maybe you have joined in the shame game to shame others. It doesn’t matter which side you’ve been on because all that matters is this… STOP PLAYING THE SHAME GAME!

The truth is people are looking for a place to escape all of the world’s shame and the church should be that place. Unfortunately, for the most part, the church has done a bang up job of shaming others. It may be the way they look, smell, or act. It may be that they have a strange job or alternative lifestyle. Maybe it’s the movies they watch or the music they listen to. Whatever it is we can always find a reason to shame.

In the church setting I have personally been shamed because of the music I listen to, the movies and TV shows I watch, the clothes I wear, the theologies I have, the questions I have, the books I read, the things I have said, the things I have written, and the way i was with people… and all this while I was pastoring a church! So, if I the pastor was shamed by those in the church what chance has anyone who walks through those doors on a Sunday morning?

So how do we cope with shame, surely God in his Word has something to say. Well one Scripture that pops into my head is Romans 8:1, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Isn’t that great news? Now if we can only look to Jesus more and more for our worth, instead of those around us…

Christian St John M.Div, BChM, ACS
November, 2009

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